Parenting

Being a parent is the highest calling that we can ever have. The way we treat and honor our parenthood is an example to your children and will last for many generations. Yet parenting is extremely difficult and sometimes seems impossible. There is a researcher named Michael Popkin who offers many insights on parenting (he's been at it professionally for over 20 years) and I would also encourage you to look him up as I did. There are so many aspects to parenting that I could be doing books, but I figured that would be to long for a blog, so I would put in a few helpful tips that could assist one who parents mindfully. This is called active parenting, or more commonly known as authoritarian parenting.

In active parenting there are three simple steps that we will walk through today and in some I will use a short video clip to demonstrate one my meanings.
The first step is to make polite requests as a parent. This is ALWAYS needs to be your first step of action, instead of threats.

• this minimizes contention
• gives correct views for you and child
• gives choice and does not demand or force
• lowers your blood pressure ;)
• and pulls the judgment out of the request

Step two:

Use "I" messages

When you_________

I feel________ 

Because_________ 

I would like__________

This teaches respect and gives empathy on both sides of the situation. It helps you to explain the "why" to them. This way focuses on the behavior and not the person themselves. Never ask "why" because it makes the person the enemy and does not deal with the problem.

Also it is good to remember that it is good to go out of your way to catch people doing good! It brings greater and more satisfying results. Keep in mind that sincerity is your greatest tool.

Step three:

A Strong or firm reminder

The trick is to keep it short and simple with absolutely NO lecture.

for example, "Jada Clean up the room, now."

I hope as you try these things for more than one day you will see more peace and respect for you and your children within your home. A few last bits of reminders on what Authoritative or Active parenting:

• as a parent have the view, "I am your mother/father I am not interested in pleasing you, I am interested in guiding you."
• reflect all emotion except anger!
• teach and demonstrate respect
• be concerned about long term results
• Do not react in the moment
• be consistent

Being a parent is difficult enough and being imperfect it is sometimes made even harder by our mistakes. As we continue to try to improve our skills we become even greater than we were before we had children. In our efforts to become active parents, we will find greater joy and love in our interactions with each of our children. 

"Giving love, freely and completely, is the surest way for parents to enjoy the closest possible relationships with their children. In giving such love, we become most like God."

We have children to love them and I sincerely desire peace to come into each of our hearts and our homes as we individually become a better parent.

Resources:
http://www.activeparenting.com/About-Michael_Popkin
These two links helped me understand how to communicate effectively with teens:

http://stream.byui.edu/VideoPlayer/BYUIplayer.html?StartCue=12&EndCue=1997&VideoName=1560_dvd&VideoType=libraryvideos

http://stream.byui.edu/VideoPlayer/BYUIplayer.html?StartCue=0&EndCue=1643&VideoName=1561_dvd&VideoType=libraryvideos​

 my quote came from here:

https://www.lds.org/ensign/1986/07/honoring-parents-and-being-honorable-parents?lang=eng

FATHERS!

I absolutely cannot help myself! This is what my Dad did with us on our farm.

All except for the talking cows, we have not got that far in their training.

It is so important for a father to take even just a few minutes to spend time with his children. It is also essential that his wife supports him in his endeavors.

It's the simple things that you will never ever forget, and this builds a foundation for a relationship between man and child that will be useful for the rest of their lives!

Communication between husbands and wives

Culture
Do you also have times where you wonder how true is the old saying, "Men are from Mars and Women are from Jupiter?" Sometimes it just seems as if men and women come from different planets because they think so differently! If you think about it we might be on the same planet, but all around this planet there are many different cultures. Each and every family even has it's own individual culture within it. The cultures that we were raised in influence everything we do, think, and say. As a man and a woman becomes a union by being married they find that they struggle with adapting to the culture of their spouse. This helps cause many miss-communication errors between the couple.
Stress
The many miss-communication errors causes stress upon the couple and their relationship and it can be damaging if not reevaluated and taken care of properly. Picture with me a bridge:

if you look at this bridge you can see many support beams that are placed to hold the bridge as it crosses the chasm. The engineer who builds any bridge knows that there will be stress upon this bridge, and it functions better because of the stress upon it. An engineer knows that he needs to prepare, analyze, and discuss with others the way that the stress will affect the structure. Then he will place those beams where they will be most effective in holding stress. This is exactly what a husband and wife will need to do as they recognize the stress upon the structure of their family. As a husband and wife work together in building beams of strength in their family they will see that  stress is not necessarily a bad thing, and as a couple is mindful of creating strategies to strengthen the family they will see that they will have less breakage in their marriage and home.
Coping strategies
The greatest coping strategy for a family dealing with miss-communication is to turn to each other consciously. It is kind of counter intuitive, but as each individual is thoughtful about how their choice will help them become closer to the spouse or family the family becomes more cohesive. From my own experience I can tell you that becoming closer and talking with each other will be very difficult at first but, as you rely upon each other, all involved will feel more trust in the support given by the another. This brings us back to the beginning though, sometimes because of the cultures that we have been raised in it is too easy to miss-interpret what is being said by the other family member.
Thoughts and interpretations

"encoding" is the process of putting your thoughts, emotions, and ideas out towards others in a form that others can also perceive. As is shown in the example above sometimes there is a "decoding" or "encoding" error. These errors can be avoided by a few things that my husband and I have been working on; such as communicating so clearly that you can be understood and communicating so clearly you can not be miss-understood. Being understood is like giving someone a deep breath of oxygen.
 Picture Mr. James Bond when he was underwater
and he stuck this thing in his mouth and was able to breath.
Then he looked over and saw the girl underwater
and she was struggling to breath. Well he immediately
 went over to the woman and he stuck the breathing device in her mouth and they alternated breathing. It is the perfect imagery for communicating with and understanding one another as a spouse or family member.

Understanding
Michael Williams coined a little phrase, "become curious not furious" Wise words, for each of us has had times when someone has deeply hurt our feelings by something they said or did. It is natural to wish to retaliate with something cruel or mean.  Many times we hear things that are not really said!!   Each individual needs to make it a point to clear up hurt or confusion. My dearest husband has had many times where he said something that hurt me, so in an attempt to not be angry I say to him, "you might want to rephrase what you just said." He will and every time I realize what he was trying to say. Most of the time I realize that my loved one did not wish to hurt me, I realize that either he was not "encoding" or I was not "decoding" correctly! Way to many times we have been hurt deeply from someone we care about by something they said or did and forgiveness is necessary.
Forgiveness
I have seen many folks in my family who have been hurt deeply by others actions and words and even I have been hurt myself. "The most damage that happens in a family happens when there is anger." This was also said by Michael Williams and I have never heard a statement so true. We all have been hurt at one time or another by loved ones, and that is when it is most important that we Forgive them. When I say that we need to forgive them, that does not mean that we need to change them, and chances are that they will not change. What changes is deep within our hearts. I promise that any and all relationships will become stronger as you forgive and let go of all of the hurt, pain, and anger of the years. I know this from personal experience! I know how hard it is to forgive and "Let it Go" (as Elsa from frozen says) yet I have become a better woman, more compassionate, loving, and understanding of my family, friends, and neighbors because of my choices. One last word from our Heavenly Father he says in the scriptures in Ephesians 4: 32 "And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." This creates more of a desire within me to try to understand and communicate with my spouse, and other family around me. Does it for you?

Additional sources
https://www.lds.org/ensign/1983/07/talking-it-over-ideas-for-husbands-and-wives?lang=eng
References 

What you do makes a difference

What one person might do might not seem to matter until you see the difference one person makes in a home or family. We each have a role to play and what we do to matters. It might seem as if we are not noticed or that we might be taken for granted, but the small things that we do will make a difference eventually. I have seen many women as mothers who struggle with the daily routine tasks that seem to make little difference those mothers are raising their children to become better as they allow those children to assist them in the every day tasks. This bonds them and their offspring and the greatest work anyone can do is within the home. 

Never underestimate the difference you make to one person, whether it be a child, friend, neighbor or sibling. You are the difference.

Barriers or Structures- You choose.

I would love to share one of the most important lessons that I have learned in the past few years. In one word:

Boundaries
This is not a dirty word folks! Boundaries can be healthy and unhealthy. It is wise to be aware of the ways that you establish and create intentionally the boundaries in your life. The most important boundaries that can be established in a home is the boundaries within and surrounding a marriage. That in turn will establish boundaries for the rest of the family, friends, and others who end up coming in contact with the family. I am going to share the three different boundaries/relationships that form around a husband and wife using the visuals of fences.

We have all sorts of examples of relationships in our lives

Some of these relationships have boundaries like a fence that has only posts set up here and there around the couple. in these relationships the boundaries are undefined and  it is quite easy to invade the boundaries. Examples of invasions can be in the form of children, old boyfriends, or even seemingly harmless contact with other gender friends. Many marriages have the mother and father of one of the spouses make decisions regarding what the couple do. Yet we need to remember that the primary defining character to this type of boundary is that the communication channel is more open to others outside the marriage, and not enough within the marriage. As time goes on you can see the trails going in and out of the fence posts of the marriage and there is damage to the husband and wife relationship. 

 On to the next example:

OH YEAH! THE BRICK WALL!!!!!

These are the relationships where there is a solid 10 foot brick wall with barbed wire on the top, "ain't nobody getting in or out of this one!" There are some families who have a brick wall built (sometimes because someone has hurt them) around their family, and no one can get in. Some brick walls are built around Father, excluding even Mother, and mother builds brick walls with her and the children because father is not accessible. Usually when brick walls are involved someone gets left out in the cold. There is not a very good communicating system between the Husband and Wife, and in turn the communication systems between the children and parents are unhealthy. Each brick wall is different but each is equally harmful.

Okay, enough of the depressing stuff, lets get down  to the goods!!!! Who likes picket fences??!!!! You know the ones you can talk to your neighbor over?

I debated over this video because it probably doesn't prove my point. We can use it as a prime example of what not to do! But the main point I would like to make is that you do have to make it so that you can "talk over the fence" to other people out side of your relationship. The communication between you and others can be there but the channel of communication between you and your spouse will need to be open greater than the ones outside of your marriage.

The picket fence defines the boundaries clearly and the gates that are available to be used are unmistakably marked. I mean think about it, if someone outside the relationship tries to come in the pokey things on the top of this fence will clearly state that it is wiser to go and use the gates that have been clearly marked. The path inside the gates is well defined and shows people where they are to travel when within the gates. These relationships are the kind where the husband and wife is friendly with one another, discusses subjects that perhaps are difficult (and they can do it without putting up brick walls between each other) There is order and structure to the relationship and people within and without the relationship always know what they can and cannot do in the relationship.

Why is this even important to discuss? 

If we all decided to create the relationships that we are a part of purposely then we will be able to see so much more success in families who stay together. Once any boundary has been defined whether it be good or negative then there are major results in the raising of a family or even in the way friends and neighbor's involve themselves in your relationship. As we are mindful of the way that we intentionally create our structure between husband and wife we will see long term results in our home and family.

Sources (besides good 'ol Youtube) look up:

http://www.foh.dhhs.gov/NYCU/marriage.asp

http://www.twoofus.org/educational-content/articles/10-simple-ways-to-make-a-marriage-last/index.aspx

"home improvement flowers for wilson" is the youtube clip

Do you ever have those days you just wonder about where you would be with out your family? I mean, I know no one is perfect, but I am sure glad that I was able to share difficult/Great experiences with my family. I think that our view is all about perspective, I know that because of Christ I have been given hope for my life to be filled with JOY and LOVE!!!!! And you know, I have worked hard for where I am now, and I'm glad that I also went through difficult things to get here. I appreciate my variety of experiences and it makes me appreciate my wonderful family so much more.

This is what makes me want to become a better woman for my Husband. This is what makes me smile even when things are difficult and hard. Because Family makes it all worth it!

What I will want my children to know about healthy dating

I recently had a friend of mine ask a question that hurt my heart. I won't say it word for word due to many colorful expletives but basically he was wondering what he was doing wrong! He would date someone and instead of the woman staying with him she would just up and leave him with out warning. After this happened multiple times he finally decided that there was something the matter with him and he was an ugly son of a gun and that is why no one wanted him. Sounds familiar?
I have contemplated many such relationships and have asked many questions but there have been to many unsatisfactory answers. So I decided to take a family relations class. (from this class I have notes up the wazoo!) One of the sections we discussed was the relationships between a man and woman who are dating according to today's trends.
The trends of today are simple you hang out, you make out, and then you drop out! or in other words "date 'em till ya hate 'em" according to Michael Williams. There are so many serious and unnoticed trends that we follow especially as we go and do something as serious as dating! Let me point out this theory that explains so perfectly what we do and what we need to work on doing better!
The theory is from the book "How to avoid marrying a Jerk" by John Van Epp.

This above is a healthy dating relationship. It is relatively simple, as you get to know someone your level of trust goes up. As your trust level rises you rely upon them more and become more committed to them. As a natural result you touch them a bit more than you did when you first met them. It's simple, and healthy and makes sense right? 

Well lets see what the trend of today looks like:             A bit unhealthy looking isn't it? Well in today's world it is very much okay to be holding hands or even kissing on the first date and how well do you know that person?! You just met them, you can't know them very well, or even trust them that much yet. As physical touch raises so does the commitment level. And as that to raises so does the level you rely on them. But you don't get to know them or trust them any more as you are focused on filling that "need" to touch them. It seems that our trends are a bit backwards. Some one asked the other day, "if this is the trend all around us then how do we date the healthy way?" There are many of us who are wanting to date more healthily but just don't know how! The main key to this is learning how to communicate your expectations to those you are dating. Now don't hate me for what I am going to say next but it is okay to date multiple people, you are not playing them, but the main reason for dating is to understand and find things that you will eventually want in an eternal companion.

Now that we are aware of what the trends are in dating around us, what are healthy ways that we can date ourselves. The fact that you have read this far means that you now have an awareness of what is healthy and unhealthy. Now you can implement this in your own dating life. One more thing that you will need to be equipped with before you go. Take absolute steps in your dating process. If you look at our society currently we are really good at our "hang out" sessions and sliding from hanging out, to dating, to boyfriend/girlfriend, to marriage. Make it a point to take actual steps in your dating process. Let me show you:
First step is to officially start dating.
        Second step is to officially start courting.
                 Third official step is become officially engaged.
                            Fourth step Get officially Married!
Our tendency is to just slide through the steps, not actually taking the time, effort, and deep thought to take these official steps. You see as you go through these steps you are setting up a communication system that will influence the rest of your marriage and you lives. Think about it, if a woman is asked by the man "Will you officially be my girlfriend" what roles are that man and woman displaying? How would this eventually effect them? If the man then goes and officially asks the father, "May I court your daughter" the communication with the parents, and the importance the Man places upon that relationship becomes significant in later years. Okay I'm sure you can take it from here on out!
Keep in mind the three very important "P's" of your dating life.

                The three P's of dating:

planned

paid for

paired off

or if you look at the Proclamation for the Family the three P's are:

Provide

Preside

Protect

               

I know I didn't give you creative dating ideas, but your dating will be much more healthy and enjoyable as you follow and implement these basic principles in your own relationships. These things are things that I will teach my own children, and I hope that as you experiment with them that you will find success as I did!
                                                                                                              

http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=215
http://www.michaelwilliamscounseling.com/?p=203