What one person might do might not seem to matter until you see the difference one person makes in a home or family. We each have a role to play and what we do to matters. It might seem as if we are not noticed or that we might be taken for granted, but the small things that we do will make a difference eventually. I have seen many women as mothers who struggle with the daily routine tasks that seem to make little difference those mothers are raising their children to become better as they allow those children to assist them in the every day tasks. This bonds them and their offspring and the greatest work anyone can do is within the home.
Never underestimate the difference you make to one person, whether it be a child, friend, neighbor or sibling. You are the difference.
I would love to share one of the most important lessons that I have learned in the past few years. In one word:
Boundaries
This is not a dirty word folks! Boundaries can be healthy and unhealthy. It is wise to be aware of the ways that you establish and create intentionally the boundaries in your life. The most important boundaries that can be established in a home is the boundaries within and surrounding a marriage. That in turn will establish boundaries for the rest of the family, friends, and others who end up coming in contact with the family. I am going to share the three different boundaries/relationships that form around a husband and wife using the visuals of fences.
We have all sorts of examples of relationships in our lives
Some of these relationships have boundaries like a fence that has only posts set up here and there around the couple. in these relationships the boundaries are undefined and it is quite easy to invade the boundaries. Examples of invasions can be in the form of children, old boyfriends, or even seemingly harmless contact with other gender friends. Many marriages have the mother and father of one of the spouses make decisions regarding what the couple do. Yet we need to remember that the primary defining character to this type of boundary is that the communication channel is more open to others outside the marriage, and not enough within the marriage. As time goes on you can see the trails going in and out of the fence posts of the marriage and there is damage to the husband and wife relationship.
On to the next example:
OH YEAH! THE BRICK WALL!!!!!
These are the relationships where there is a solid 10 foot brick wall with barbed wire on the top, "ain't nobody getting in or out of this one!" There are some families who have a brick wall built (sometimes because someone has hurt them) around their family, and no one can get in. Some brick walls are built around Father, excluding even Mother, and mother builds brick walls with her and the children because father is not accessible. Usually when brick walls are involved someone gets left out in the cold. There is not a very good communicating system between the Husband and Wife, and in turn the communication systems between the children and parents are unhealthy. Each brick wall is different but each is equally harmful.
Okay, enough of the depressing stuff, lets get down to the goods!!!! Who likes picket fences??!!!! You know the ones you can talk to your neighbor over?
I debated over this video because it probably doesn't prove my point. We can use it as a prime example of what not to do! But the main point I would like to make is that you do have to make it so that you can "talk over the fence" to other people out side of your relationship. The communication between you and others can be there but the channel of communication between you and your spouse will need to be open greater than the ones outside of your marriage.
The picket fence defines the boundaries clearly and the gates that are available to be used are unmistakably marked. I mean think about it, if someone outside the relationship tries to come in the pokey things on the top of this fence will clearly state that it is wiser to go and use the gates that have been clearly marked. The path inside the gates is well defined and shows people where they are to travel when within the gates. These relationships are the kind where the husband and wife is friendly with one another, discusses subjects that perhaps are difficult (and they can do it without putting up brick walls between each other) There is order and structure to the relationship and people within and without the relationship always know what they can and cannot do in the relationship.
Why is this even important to discuss?
If we all decided to create the relationships that we are a part of purposely then we will be able to see so much more success in families who stay together. Once any boundary has been defined whether it be good or negative then there are major results in the raising of a family or even in the way friends and neighbor's involve themselves in your relationship. As we are mindful of the way that we intentionally create our structure between husband and wife we will see long term results in our home and family.
"home improvement flowers for wilson" is the youtube clip
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Do you ever have those days you just wonder about where you would be with out your family? I mean, I know no one is perfect, but I am sure glad that I was able to share difficult/Great experiences with my family. I think that our view is all about perspective, I know that because of Christ I have been given hope for my life to be filled with JOY and LOVE!!!!! And you know, I have worked hard for where I am now, and I'm glad that I also went through difficult things to get here. I appreciate my variety of experiences and it makes me appreciate my wonderful family so much more.
This is what makes me want to become a better woman for my Husband. This is what makes me smile even when things are difficult and hard. Because Family makes it all worth it!
I recently had a friend of mine ask a question that hurt my heart. I won't say it word for word due to many colorful expletives but basically he was wondering what he was doing wrong! He would date someone and instead of the woman staying with him she would just up and leave him with out warning. After this happened multiple times he finally decided that there was something the matter with him and he was an ugly son of a gun and that is why no one wanted him. Sounds familiar?
I have contemplated many such relationships and have asked many questions but there have been to many unsatisfactory answers. So I decided to take a family relations class. (from this class I have notes up the wazoo!) One of the sections we discussed was the relationships between a man and woman who are dating according to today's trends.
The trends of today are simple you hang out, you make out, and then you drop out! or in other words "date 'em till ya hate 'em" according to Michael Williams. There are so many serious and unnoticed trends that we follow especially as we go and do something as serious as dating! Let me point out this theory that explains so perfectly what we do and what we need to work on doing better!
The theory is from the book "How to avoid marrying a Jerk" by John Van Epp.
This above is a healthy dating relationship. It is relatively simple, as you get to know someone your level of trust goes up. As your trust level rises you rely upon them more and become more committed to them. As a natural result you touch them a bit more than you did when you first met them. It's simple, and healthy and makes sense right?
Well lets see what the trend of today looks like: A bit unhealthy looking isn't it? Well in today's world it is very much okay to be holding hands or even kissing on the first date and how well do you know that person?! You just met them, you can't know them very well, or even trust them that much yet. As physical touch raises so does the commitment level. And as that to raises so does the level you rely on them. But you don't get to know them or trust them any more as you are focused on filling that "need" to touch them. It seems that our trends are a bit backwards. Some one asked the other day, "if this is the trend all around us then how do we date the healthy way?" There are many of us who are wanting to date more healthily but just don't know how! The main key to this is learning how to communicate your expectations to those you are dating. Now don't hate me for what I am going to say next but it is okay to date multiple people, you are not playing them, but the main reason for dating is to understand and find things that you will eventually want in an eternal companion.
Now that we are aware of what the trends are in dating around us, what are healthy ways that we can date ourselves. The fact that you have read this far means that you now have an awareness of what is healthy and unhealthy. Now you can implement this in your own dating life. One more thing that you will need to be equipped with before you go. Take absolute steps in your dating process. If you look at our society currently we are really good at our "hang out" sessions and sliding from hanging out, to dating, to boyfriend/girlfriend, to marriage. Make it a point to take actual steps in your dating process. Let me show you:
First step is to officially start dating.
Second step is to officially start courting.
Third official step is become officially engaged.
Fourth step Get officially Married!
Our tendency is to just slide through the steps, not actually taking the time, effort, and deep thought to take these official steps. You see as you go through these steps you are setting up a communication system that will influence the rest of your marriage and you lives. Think about it, if a woman is asked by the man "Will you officially be my girlfriend" what roles are that man and woman displaying? How would this eventually effect them? If the man then goes and officially asks the father, "May I court your daughter" the communication with the parents, and the importance the Man places upon that relationship becomes significant in later years. Okay I'm sure you can take it from here on out!
Keep in mind the three very important "P's" of your dating life.
The three P's of dating:
planned
paid for
paired off
or if you look at the Proclamation for the Family the three P's are:
Provide
Preside
Protect
I know I didn't give you creative dating ideas, but your dating will be much more healthy and enjoyable as you follow and implement these basic principles in your own relationships. These things are things that I will teach my own children, and I hope that as you experiment with them that you will find success as I did!
I sometimes forget my priorities, and need to set them straight and today was one of those days. Being mindful of those around us especially our loved ones, friends, and neighbors will make the day better.
I am grateful for a living prophet who guides me and shows me the Lord's path.
Now I am just a simple farm girl from good 'ol Idaho! Yet in my life I have seen true beauty and that is found in the creations that God has formed for us here on this earth. The greatest and most beautiful is the body. How sacred our bodies are!!!! It saddens me when I see someone who is struggling with treating their precious body in a way that damages it. There are many ways that I have seen this beautiful creation destroyed and I would like to share something with you from a prophet of God, he said, "We all constantly need reminding. Our bodies are sacred. They were created in the image of God. They are marvelous, the crowning creation of Deity. No camera has ever matched the wonder of the human eye. No pump was ever built that could run so long and carry such heavy duty as the human heart. The ear and the brain constitute a miracle. The capacity to pick up sound waves and convert them into language is almost beyond imagination. Look at your finger and contemplate the wonder of it. Clever men have tried to match it, but have never fully succeeded. These, with others of our parts and organs, represent the divine, omnipotent genius of God, who is our Eternal Father." -Gordon B. Hinckley.
Our bodies are so precious and sacred that we cannot misuse them! I have seen many ways to misuse a body, but one that is very popular now is the gender misuse! Now why would I bring this topic up? I have learned and listened to many folks who have very strong opinions on this, I have felt the effects in my own life and I know that this very trend will effect my very own home. There is a growing trend to label one's self or others as "gay or lesbian" I personally believe that term is faulty. What people are doing is labeling something that is deeper than just what they have concluded as "gender differences" I have searched out places where you can start to look into this very topic yourself if you will look into it with an open heart and mind. First I would like to state that I am a very strong advocate for Marriage between a man and a woman. I believe that marriage is an institution that is set into place by our God. He has set up the laws of attraction for his sons and daughters. I do not believe that same gender attraction existed in our pre-earth life and I do not believe that it will exist in the next life. I also believe that same gender attraction is a very real temptation for folks in this life. I believe that attraction was instilled within each of us was to set up the institution of families; in a working family institution that consists of a man and a woman who accomplish God's purpose by bringing his children into this world. At times this attraction has been blatantlymisused, and other times it is a subtle temptation that stems from many different sources, such as previous abuse, rejection growing, lack of acceptance from others and the list continues. I have searched more beyond what folks have told me and I have had a teacher point out this article from the man who researched the "gay gene." I would like to quote him here, "It is important to stress what I didn't find. I did not
prove that homosexuality was genetic, or find a genetic cause for being gay. I
didn't show that gay men are born that way, the most common mistake people make
in interpreting my work." I do not believe that there is a gay gene, but I do believe that homosexuality is a strong temptation that some have to wrestle with. We all have temptations, and we all struggle with out own trials, this is another that has been prevalent in the world. It is all over in the bible, and God did not suggest that we embrace same gender attraction. I also would like to point out that God also said in Matthew 7:1-2 "judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again." So when we make judgment calls we have to do it wisely especially on topics such as this one. Defining ourselves I would like to point something out, homosexuality is not a noun that describes a condition. It is an adjective that describes feelings and one's behavior. I would like to go and take a quote from Dallin H. Oaks and a man named Lance B. Wickman who point out the definitions of self.
"I think it
is an accurate statement to say that some people consider feelings of
same-gender attraction to be the defining fact of their existence. There are
also people who consider the defining fact of their existence that they are
from Texas or that they were in the United States Marines. Or they are
red-headed, or they are the best basketball player that ever played for
such-and-such a high school. People can adopt a characteristic as the defining
example of their existence and often those characteristics are physical.
We have the agency to choose which characteristics will define
us; those choices are not thrust upon us. The ultimate defining fact for all of us is that we are children
of Heavenly Parents, born on this earth for a purpose, and born with a divine
destiny. " So our focus is upon building ourselves to become better and while we each search for what makes us better we create definitions for ourselves.
Does it matter that the whole focus of everyone is upon WHAT creates same gender attraction?
I believe that it does matter where our focus lies. If we each focus on one aspect that contributes to our character then we are missing the development of the rest of person! The beauty of each of us as an individual is that we can see ourselves in much broader contexts. Such as the fact that we are children of a loving God, and that we each have many talents weather they might be, musical, artistic, athletic, etc. "The more a
person can look beyond gender orientation, the happier and more fulfilling life
is likely to be. The worst possible thing for any of us — no matter what our
temptations, no matter what our mortal inclinations may be — is to become
fixated with them, to dwell on them. When we do that, not only do we deny the
other things that comprise us, but experience teaches that there will be an
increased likelihood that eventually we will simply succumb to the inclination." Oaks and Wickman
My point is that our main focus should not be upon our sexual orientation but upon seeing ourselves with a much grander perspective. If we can maybe we should look beyond our own perspective and see ourselves the way that our Father in Heaven views us each individually. We are each a child of God.
Hope
As I said earlier there is a lot of folks who struggle with this same gender attraction. I believe that same gender attraction is one of those struggles that each of those individuals who struggle with it will need to learn to exercise self control. Each of us has to learn how to have that self control over our own individual temptations. I have spoken up about this specific trial because it has broken my heart when I have heard a friend say, "I won't be able to have a family like the rest of you because I am attracted to my same gender." This friend of mine wishes to be a parent, and wishes to be a good person. I have studied and prayed about this with the hope that I might be able to give encouragement to one who has this same struggle. I offer these suggestions I found as I researched, "The good
news for somebody who is struggling with same-gender attraction is this: 1) It
is that ‘I’m not stuck with it forever.’ It’s just now. Admittedly, for each
one of us, it’s hard to look beyond the ‘now’ sometimes. But nonetheless, if
you see mortality as now, it’s only during this season. 2) If I can keep myself
worthy here, if I can be true to gospel commandments, if I can keep covenants
that I have made, the blessings of exaltation and eternal life that Heavenly
Father holds out to all of His children apply to me. Every blessing — including
eternal marriage — is and will be mine in due course." I know that normally we do not do back to back quotes but I feel that this one is essential for my point,
"Through the exercise of
faith, individual effort, and reliance upon the power of the Atonement of our savior Jesus Christ, some
may overcome same-gender attraction in mortality and marry [others of the opposite gender]. Consider a principle learned in gardening. Someone said that if we plant a garden with good seed, there will not be so much need of the hoe. Likewise, if we fill our lives with spiritual nourishment, we can more easily gain control over inclinations. This means creating a positive environment in our homes in which the Spirit is abundantly evident. A positive environment includes consistent private and public worship, prayer, fasting, scripture reading, service, and exposure to uplifting conversation, music, literature, and other media." Jeffery R. Holland So to my friend and others, I have found a few things that can assist you during your times of trials and temptations. You and the body that God has given you are so precious and lovely! Know that God Loves you and know that I love you too!!!!
Please search for yourselves! Here are a few of the resources that I quoted from here:
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1998/10/we-are-children-of-god?lang=eng
xhttp://www.equip.org/PDF/DH055-1.pdf
(if it doesn't work try googleing this:) http://www.equip.org/PDF/DH055-1.pdf
Be ye clean April 1996- Gordon B. Hinckley
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1996/04/be-ye-clean?lang=eng
http://www.dennisprager.com/why-a-good-person-can-vote-against-same-sex-marriage/
http://genderwholeness.com/pdf/exoticbecomeserotic.pdf
http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/interview-oaks-wickman-same-gender-attraction
https://www.lds.org/ensign/2007/10/helping-those-who-struggle-with-same-gender-attraction?lang=eng
